Nov. 11th, 2014

rai_ryu: (Aquarium)
It really bothers me that the voice that often comes out when I speak is not what I would consider my true voice. It's hard to describe what a true voice is and how mine differs from the voice I use everyday. It's also sort of hard to figure whether one should use their true voice all day every day in the first place. A lot of things are strange.

I'm trying out a lot of new things as a kind of self care but I am not sure what will help or what will stick. Everything just seems sort of weird and uncertain, and I feel like a lot of doors are closed to me. There are a lot of things I want to do but at the moment a viable future is not seeming like something I'm going to achieve. I want change but I can't MAKE change from where I currently am, and it is frustrating.

I feel like I'm not moving florward, in more ways than one.

My health issues worry me because they're closing certain doors, and unfortunately a lot of those doors are to things that I actually want to do. But the process surrounding these problems is a long one and there's nothing that I can do but wait and see if anyone can find out what's wrong.

Mentally I am sort of in the same boat, but with slightly more control. It's not a question exactly of what is wrong, but rather, how to handle the multitude of things that I know are wrong. Some are things that I've been putting off for a long time and some are things that are new. Sometimes it's just a deep feeling of wrongness, and there aren't many specific things that I know of which can combat that. I'm trying to balance getting better with the things I need to do.

I don't really know where I am going with this entry, just that it's one of the many things I'm doing to try and feel better. Part of that might be acknowledging how I feel without, at the moment, getting my brain in a flurry thinking of ways to solve it. Everything is really hard right now, that's all.

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rai_ryu

July 2015

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