rai_ryu: (Nick<3)
[personal profile] rai_ryu
So I was thinking about the things I want. I really want this to work out, for one.
But I don't really know. I tend to do things for other people out of the assumption that they would do the same for me, or that if I were in their position, I'd want someone to help me out. But I keep forgetting that this is not always the case with others. Maybe sometimes, they wouldn't do the same for me.
and the thing is that I probably wouldn't be in such a situation in the first place either. I've put a lot of work into strengthening myself and my self control, so maybe sometimes I want to break down, but the chances that I actually will are not too high. I want someone I could rely on if that did happen, but I don't think I have someone like that.
I feel like nobody knows me, and that nobody takes the effort to know me either. Well, I think I use nobody in pretty abstract terms here, but the feeling is the same. People see that I am strong, and logical, I guess. But they don't understand the things in my head or what I feel. Even if I'm outwardly handling things, I don't see it as a success if I don't feel stable. I will, probably, always BE stable, but that doesn't change my thoughts.
For a long time I never thought that I was good enough, and I jumped through hoops to make up for this, I thought that if I just did enough, it would redeem me. I thought the failures of others were my fault. But now I know that I am, in fact, more than good enough. So I find myself wondering why others don't seem to think so. Why they don't think that I'm worth the effort. I might have stuck around before, in the hopes that they'd see something in me. But now, if someone can't step up to the plate, I wonder if it is really worth all of MY effort if I don't have those same courtesies extended to me.
I want love to work out. Because I do believe that this is love. But I don't like to feel alone, and I don't like to feel like a stranger to those who claim to love me. It worries me, and it is hard to keep those worries aside. It is hard to be happy about things when I am left wondering.
Still, I want things to work out.
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rai_ryu

July 2015

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