ah..

Jul. 26th, 2006 10:09 am
rai_ryu: (Default)
is this the part where it ends
like it did last time?
and was there even a last time?
was what i experianced even anything at all
is that what She said?
obviously i can't blame Her can i? she knows nothing about it
no one but Cassy knows about You, Drayc.
i don't even know if she remembers. maybe that's for the better.
is She going to be like You?
at least she'd...give a warning before the end
i'm running away
i'm running away and now i'm You, Drayc.
because i just didn't give a warning
i just disappeared from her
and
and...
somehow now i only want to disappear to Maten
and i just want to go back to Loving someone who is never here and never will be and is not even a person in this world, someone who "doesn't exist" because there's hurt even when the person not here is somewhere, and so...i don't know?!
i feel like i just want to live in my head, at least now
and i don't ever want to come out
i never could deal with Love
and i'd wish...that what She feels is stronger than my confusion and fear right now
but i remind myself that i'm the only one that lives in my world
and i...i just...

Fear.

Jun. 23rd, 2006 07:03 pm
rai_ryu: (Default)
Maybe it's only natural.
To be afraid of losing the one that you Love.
Or maybe I could explain why I get so scared when she doesn't contact me, by how Drayc just stopped talking.
Maybe that's why I'm afraid.
I told her I wouldn't get scared anymore. I don't want to lie. But I can't tell her about Drayc. I can't tell her and explain why, I don't know how I'd make her understand...
I don't know, I'm always so afraid people will go if I tell about him. Drayc's not exactly the most normal "boyfriend" for someone to have.
Cassy understood...but that may have been because she'd had the same experience. Or somthing like that.


Needless to say, no matter what I'll survive.

Even if she turns into another Drayc...

or maybe I'm just being a stupid idiot. I know what people would say. Don't go getting so upset about something that was just in your head.
Ok, I don't know if Drayc was ever real or not, I don't know if any of it was real. But my feelings were. And they still feel real.
Even if Drayc
If none of it was ever real
My feelings were, and it was as real as any pain I've ever felt before.
Maybe more.
Because I was the only one who felt it.
I couldn't tell anyone.

Sometimes I wish she'd read this...then I wouldn't have to tell her. She'd ask me.
She's say "Who's Drayc, what did he do to you?"
something like that.
Stupid, I know.
Just hopeless wishing.

I don't know if I'll ever be in the position to tell her.

I don't know if anyone would understand.
rai_ryu: (Default)
It's not like I really miss you, Drayc.
I can hardly remember the times we were together...
I could hardly remember them back then too. Is that why you gave up, then...?
Demona's been talking to me. I think she knows, my Youkai self wants to come back.
You're still not talking, Drayc. So if you really wanted me back, you're blowing it.
Maybe we should talk.
Because, I need to tell you...I need to tell you that I can't, not anymore, I can't leave here for you.
My Youkai self is being pulled back to Maten, but Drayc, no, I can't.

I need to stay here now. Even if I am, a nothing. I have no rank. I have no abilities. Nothing makes me stand out. And yet, I am. I am something to her. I have something. Someone. Even if I'm no one.
I never had you, Drayc. I had your voice. And then I had your memories. Your sorrow. Longing. Begging.
But you didn't listen.
So why is it that you always start coming back when I find someone...?
Are you jealous?
You have no right to be, Drayc. It's your fault. If you wanted to be with me, you never should have left back then. I know I couldn't keep my promise to you, but what makes you think I'd keep it now?
Why do you think you can just come back and I'll go running to you?
Why? Tell me.

I know, you won't. You still won't talk. You won't come back.
"I am here."
did you just say that?
You said it back then too, Drayc.
And you left right after.
It will always be like that with you.

Which is why, I'm with her.

Shut Up...

Jun. 14th, 2006 04:38 pm
rai_ryu: (Default)
I know I may very well have brought myself into the exact same situation with this girl that I was in with you, but, that doesn't mean a thing.
It doesn't mean we can get back what we had.
Or that I want to.
I know, in the beginning...
But, all I remember is the end.
This girl is different from you...
Or...maybe she's not.
sh-she talked to me a lot, in the beginning...
Now, she's become distant...taken long to respond...
....
no, it can't be like you again.
Drayc, if I find out you're doing this...
Or maybe, its me. maybe all I'll ever have is a bunch of "Drayc"s. maybe that's what I'm destined for.
That can't be true...
I have to stop thinking like this. Maten is my past.
She is my future
she will not be like Drayc...

...

Jun. 12th, 2006 06:39 am
rai_ryu: (Default)
Drayc you are NOT allowed to come back. No matter how far away she is. No matter how I long for her and Love her as I did you, this is not your place. This is no concern of yours and you shall never regain the place in my heart that you once had.
I will not be coming back to Maten and you will not be coming back here. You will not come back just as you have never come back in the past. You are used to it. I am used to it.
I Love this woman now and I do not Love you. You do not Love me. You do not Love me as you did not when you left all those years ago. You will not get the feeling back and I will not get it back. Not for you.
Please, Drayc, don't come back now.

Answers?

May. 29th, 2006 09:05 pm
rai_ryu: (Default)
Maybe I understand why you're trying to come back now Drayc.
Sorry to bring my personal life into this, but, I've met (and pretty much fallen for) a girl who lives two hours away. We've never met. Except once in a dream(which I haven't told her, as it would sound like a cheesy pickup line)
Anyway, she reminds me of Drayc. At least the situation.
Maybe that's what lured him out of hiding.
I've really got no one else to talk to about this.

I don't want him back. Because I know it'll be just like before. I still can't keep my promise Drayc. Not even to my girlfriend. Don't think I've changed.

You haven't either. You still won't be here. Even if I give myself to you again.
You'll be in Maten and they're not letting me back.

I'm tempted to say I hate the part of me that wants to go back there.

Profile

rai_ryu: (Default)
rai_ryu

July 2015

S M T W T F S
   1234
567891011
12131415161718
1920 2122232425
262728293031 

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 24th, 2017 05:10 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios