rai_ryu: (Aquarium)
It really bothers me that the voice that often comes out when I speak is not what I would consider my true voice. It's hard to describe what a true voice is and how mine differs from the voice I use everyday. It's also sort of hard to figure whether one should use their true voice all day every day in the first place. A lot of things are strange.

I'm trying out a lot of new things as a kind of self care but I am not sure what will help or what will stick. Everything just seems sort of weird and uncertain, and I feel like a lot of doors are closed to me. There are a lot of things I want to do but at the moment a viable future is not seeming like something I'm going to achieve. I want change but I can't MAKE change from where I currently am, and it is frustrating.

I feel like I'm not moving florward, in more ways than one.

My health issues worry me because they're closing certain doors, and unfortunately a lot of those doors are to things that I actually want to do. But the process surrounding these problems is a long one and there's nothing that I can do but wait and see if anyone can find out what's wrong.

Mentally I am sort of in the same boat, but with slightly more control. It's not a question exactly of what is wrong, but rather, how to handle the multitude of things that I know are wrong. Some are things that I've been putting off for a long time and some are things that are new. Sometimes it's just a deep feeling of wrongness, and there aren't many specific things that I know of which can combat that. I'm trying to balance getting better with the things I need to do.

I don't really know where I am going with this entry, just that it's one of the many things I'm doing to try and feel better. Part of that might be acknowledging how I feel without, at the moment, getting my brain in a flurry thinking of ways to solve it. Everything is really hard right now, that's all.
rai_ryu: (Nick<3)

Modern society is so wholly unsuited for a soul like mine.

As the Goo Goo Dolls say, "Don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are?"

Your heart and soul don't really matter, everyone is judging you by how successful you are.

Maybe online people would, but in the real world when someone wants to know what you're doing, "today I worked on not wanting to die" is never gonna be an acceptable answer to their question. You always need to have a job and nobody's gonna care if you're inches away from the edge unless it impedes your ability to work.

This is a bit of a sulking post but sometimes this is the only thing I can think about.

rai_ryu: (Aquarium)
No one ever truly knows you.
No one can see inside your soul and really understand who you are. At least that is how it feels.

And I know "people aren't mind readers" and all that, but at the same time no one wants to write out a list that says "Here is who I am, here is everything about me". Nobody COULD do that. It couldn't possibly contain everything and even then something about the feeling would not be right - because anybody can know something if they've got a manual about it. Sometimes spelling it out makes you more alone than if they never knew anything at all.

So the best you can do is leave a bread crumb trail. You drop out little bits and pieces. "This song is very important to me." or "This is my favourite book" or "here is something I would never do".
And you hope that anyone cares, that anyone is interested in putting together those clues and building the picture of what you are. That people see all of these things and understand what they are to you. Understand what you're made of on the inside.

but sometimes people don't
hell, even most of the time, maybe they don't.

i guess you can't blame them but it gets tiring after a while.
you put the clues out there clear as you can make them
But no one even bothers.

----

Aug. 4th, 2014 02:48 am
rai_ryu: (Nick<3)
Either you accept that the monster doesn't exist, or you accept the monster for what it is.
But you can't live while hating yourself.

Sometimes I think that I'm a terrible person. Sometimes it really worries me.
I have always tried to remember two options

a) I am not terrible, based on the evidence of the times when I am good to people, and the amount of bad things I keep myself away from

or

b) I am a terrible person and that will not change no matter what I do, so there is no point in feeling bad about it.

Either one can rationalize away the feeling, it can keep the panic away for a little longer. I don't know if it is thoughts, feelings, or actions that makes someone a bad person. I don't know what the deciding factor is.

but I know that you can't get anywhere by treating yourself as the enemy.

You have to always be on your own side, no matter what.
rai_ryu: (Jeice)

Will I sleep though?
Lately I don't want to sleep. I resist it as much as I can. Not because of dreams or anything. I just want to be awake.
But I have work and stuff so generally I have to go to bed at some point.
I'm in a very interesting mood lately.

rai_ryu: (Nick<3)

Sometimes the weight of the world pushes us down.

I am only one person and there's only so much I can do.
You can't save everyone. You can't fix everything.
Sometimes you have to take a step back and leave things up to the other person (And honestly, even if you can't see that, in the end it happens whether you consent to it or not. You will always be a step back.)

In the end, there is only so much you can do.

Even though it will almost always feel like I could be doing more.

rai_ryu: (Nick<3)

I want to move out but so far my only lead is looking like a big maybe. Living with my dad is becoming insufferable. I've been out as trans to him for... well, two years this June. Nothing about his behavior has changed since then except for the occasions where he feels the need to remind me I'm fucked up for being trans.
He won't believe that I am and he never did. He claimed I just hated myself and wanted to find any solution to fix it that I could. I don't hate myself, I hate the vision of a woman you see when you look at me. He was mad at my friends for supporting me.
He thought I'd find myself a monster, a mutilated mess when it was all through but even though my scars haven't healed anywhere close to what's considered "well", when I look in that mirror all I see is pride and love and what I strived for and fought for and the point I finally reached and I wouldn't give that up for anything.
If he saw me murdered on the street he'd say it was my fault. When I go into the men's washroom he wishes out loud that there will be a "creepy guy in there". He'd say, "why did you make yourself so weird so that people would victimize you". He doesn't care if people treat me like shit - cause he does it himself. Every wrong pronoun, every time he utters that name is like a knife in my head and he wonders why I don't want to go to any events with him.
He thinks I hate myself but really I love myself too much to hide who I am, too much to let myself sink into that false prison everyone envisions me in. I am not what you want me to be but I still have the right to exist.

On Easter he went on a tirade about how he can't call something gay buy a gay person can use that word to describe themselves. I told him it was a matter of context and what you were using the word to mean - he told me he shouldn't have to look up a dictionary definition of the words he uses. As a straight, white, middle class man he's never been affected by this things in his entire life but he can pass judgment on the hurt he causes, claiming it's more important for him to be able to call something gay or use racial slurs without being made to feel guilty than it is for someone to walk down the street without being victimized.

He thinks gays are out there just to screw and be done with it. He thinks they're perverts, sub-human, not worth the right not to get fired from your job for having a partner of the same sex. He thinks "don't ask don't tell" is the ideal solution.

But there are people in this world who DO think I have the right to exist. The right to be happy and whole and love whoever I want. I've got friends who never once abandoned me - not one - through many different comings out. Bi, gay, ace, trans. They never once told me I was messed up and they never once looked down on me.
And I've got myself. I believe I deserve the right to be here. On my worst nights I would break down but I wouldn't condemn myself - I would plead of the universe the answer to why won't anyone accept me for who I am?

But it doesn't matter if you do. It's your loss. When I move out, you'll have another kid who doesn't talk to you but this time it will be your fault because you could have turned it around. I don't care. You don't like me anyway so why should I mourn the loss? Once I don't have to deal with you on a daily basis I'll be free to live my life with the people who actually care about me - those friends you were so mad at for not telling me to change who I was.
rai_ryu: (Enre)

Haven't had reason to do this in a while.

Read more... )

rai_ryu: (Nick<3)
Guess I can be called Rai, Crier In Public

I had the stupidest day at work. I mean. I only worked 3 and a half hours, and the first two of that were fine. But then.
I won't get into exactly what happened but I guess the worst part of it is after 6 months at my job, my coworkers still don't use the right pronounds for me. There are some who always get it right. There are some who rarely do. And there are some who never ever get them right.
And then there are some who call me the wrong ones to my face, but when they talk to my boss they use the right ones because they know they'll get corrected by her if they don't.

So yeah.
I can't fucking deal with this. Life was supposed to be easier.

And I was sure I wouldn't cry til I got home, but I ended up doing all my crying on the bus, and I haven't cried since I got here.


And you know it's kind of strange because maybe if people see someone crying in public they want to ask what's wrong or if that person's ok, but the whole time I was just paranoid someone WOULD come up and try to talk to me. It would be a nice gesture in general but so not something I'm up for. Thankfully, no one did.

Some Nights

Feb. 9th, 2013 12:29 am
rai_ryu: (Enre)
Sometimes I feel like I am some giant anomaly and no one in the world will never understand me so I should just push them all away pre-emptively.

Then I realize I am being overdramatic and I make myself start thinking normally again.
rai_ryu: (Aquarium)
Rave music is the saddest music there is and it is perfectly appropriate for me to sob to it.

Basically I am just being lame and I should be in bed right now.
I'm mostly over my bout of sobbing for no reason.

I can't decide if I was genuinely productive today or not. I woke up at noon, which is always a greeeat way to start a productive day. I worked on my commission for an hour, but it looks like nothing got done at all. So I can't say that was productive. I vaccuumed the whole basement, so it's mostly free of disgusting dead bugs, and the cobwebs are away from the window we're getting replaced. Carpet is clean enough to start cosplay on. But since it was cleaning, it doesn't seem productive cause there's less there when you're done :P
I made myself dinner, rice with broccoli, zucchini, and teriyaki sauce. I guess that's a productive thing.

Speaking of which, I work on friday, which might be why I feel unproductive. When I have work, I always just feel like I can't do anything cause work is soon. It's ridiculous but I feel like this week is useless because I have to work friday. I'm at Teriyaki for this shift...uhg. I've only worked two stations, but Teriyaki is the one I least wanted to work in the first place.
Maybe before I go in, I'll get myself feeling really manly (Somehow?) so that I can actually correct my coworkers when they misgender me. Last time I tried I almost had a heart attack out of fear.
I really want to find a different job.

Something I need to stop doing is perscribing genders to certain emotions. I catch myself thinking, "I can't feel this way, this is how a GIRL feels!" or thinking, "I need to feel this in a manly way!". They're all just emotions. I guess that's society doing it's job on me, but I really need to fix the way I think about things, cause it's not doing me any good
rai_ryu: (Nick<3)

Hrm...I am feeling sorta down right now and I don't know why.
Maybe too much socialization?
I just think there's a lot going on in my head currently, but no outlet :/ I should write, maybe, but I've got no idea what.
I've got a sketch commission to do, as well as some editing for someone. So social that it is scary D:

My older sister was over this weekend and I really can't stand her. She's extremely rude, full of herself, misogynistic...She doesn't respect my gender at ALL (despite claiming to know more about trans issues than me because she has "many trans friends"). And she is mean to her dog. Uhg, dealing with her just throws me off I guess.

I haven't really been sleeping well. I mean, I've been going to bed before 3am lately at least, but I've been sorta paranoid to sleep, and then having weird nightmares/visions when I do. Doesn't help that it's been super hot in my room.

I've got a lot do do before this weekend, and it seems like I've got no time to do it in. I've gotta go shopping tomorrow for hair dye and a headband. But I also have to be home tomorrow so that my Baguette can pick up her camera that she left here. Uhg, I miss her. Feels like I haven't seen her in ages.

Whenever I actually start doing stuff, I get so overwhelmed that I forget everything that is happening/supposed to happen. Writing things on my calendar sorta works, but not for all things. I only hope that I can get this commission stuff done in a timely fashion (although I'm gonna be away friday, saturday and sunday).

Anyway yeah. Being sad about fictional characters and stuff. All day every day.

Neverending

Feb. 5th, 2012 01:24 am
rai_ryu: (Nick<3)
No one reads this but whatever.
I am gender neutral but who is ever going to even know?
People I know have told me that they'd accept me if I was transitioning to male, but since I am gender neutral, I obviously don't know what I am talking about, I don't count, and I'm just "making things up".
So I present as male. I go around pretending I am male because that way it is easier for people to accept me. I'm getting my fucking legal gender changed to male.
But guess what? It still doesn't feel right.
But I'm never going to be able to be who I truly am. The government isn't going to let me put an "N" as a gender marker. If I want a job? Chances are I can't go on a giant explanation to an employer about what gender neutral is, and oh, please call me "they" or "ze" thanks. No.
And people still don't even get it. People still call me female pronouns. People who have never MET me as a female, who KNOW I am trans but they do it anyway, then they're like "Oh oops, I'm soooo sorry!" "But you're too pretty to be a boy" "Oh, don't worry, I call my daughter he sometimes too, ha ha ha".
Fuck.
Nobody even gives a fuck if they haven't experienced gender dysphoria themselves. They think I should be able to just brush it off as an "oops". Well it isn't that simple.

And other things. People who constantly want to touch me. Who act offended, like I am in the wrong, when I don't want to touch them, or when I pull away. People who KNOW what I've been through. But it doesn't matter to them. It only matters that I inconvenience them by not wanting to be touched. Because NORMAL people like that, right? So it's just my fault.

I just want to crawl into a cave or a hole or even just under my bed and never come out. I don't want to see or talk to anyone. Nobody understands and they just want to hurt me. I want nobody to touch me and everybody to just leave me alone.
rai_ryu: (Nick<3)
I have not been sleeping well at all lately. I think my mind is mostly just racing.
My relationship is going very well, and I'm getting closer and closer to my girlfriend. I guess I'm just not used to being close to someone again? So at night my mind races with warnings to myself not to get too attached, or I feel an inner turmoil, a sort of anger at myself for letting someone into my nice comfortable antisocial cocoon. I don't know, I'm weird and crazy and my craziness doesn't like company, or something.
Despite that I totally love her and I don't want things to change, and I DO want to keep getting close to her. I'm just not used to it again.

I'm watching Hoarders right now and it always makes me want to clean, even though obviously I'm not a hoarder (although I guess it isn't obvious to the internet). I misplaced my actual MP3 player back in December, somewhere in my room. Now I have to use my old one, the first one I ever got. It's irritating because the driver's don't work anymore, so I can't add music. It's filled with emo songs from my last relationship, so mostly I have to listen to the radio on it, but the reception is bad and there's so many advertisements. I hope I find my regular one soon *sigh*.

So I sort of resolved to leave the house at least once a day, and since I resolved that I have. Makes me feel at least a little more productive. Tomorrow I have to start working on costumes again.

The one guy on Hoarders has a whole wall of books, and I kind of want it. If I ever did hoard something it would be books. One of the biggest reasons I'm looking forward to moving out is so that I can get many bookshelves and fill them all up.
rai_ryu: (Enre)
Things are rough with my family. None of them are even trying to call me my proper name. My real, legal name. And none of them think they should have to, either.
All I'm asking is to be called my name (that I have been going by for years and they know it). I'm not saying you have to accept me as trans. Just say my right fucking name.
Apparently though, this shouldn't be so hard for me to deal with, cause it's not like there is such thing as gender dysphoria or anything and I am just "enjoying feeling victimized". Obviously being called the proper name means a LOT to me and they can see that. On there end, it is just a matter of they don't want to have to remember to call me Rai, so it is such a hassle.
I can't say "it is just a name, how difficult is it for you to call me that?" because then they will say "If it is just a name why does it even matter what we call you"

I wish they would put aside their entitlement for one second and realize that yes, it is a big deal. And that it's just not something one can "get over".

emoplz

Aug. 17th, 2007 08:29 pm
rai_ryu: (Default)
Urg...slightly emo lately...
Lack of girlfriend is starting to get to me :/
I was fine with it for quite a while, but I guess the lack of physical closeness is starting to bother me. And no I don't mean sex -_-
But the thing is that I don't really like cuddling, or even hugging people who I'm not going out with...so, if I'm not going out with someone, I get kinda lonely for huggyness, except I can't satisfy my hug craving because I'm not going out with anyone. Know what I mean?
And Nik keeps going on about how I'll find an amazing girlfriend, but I seriously doubt that will happen.
*sigh*
emo time nowz

Its Over

Mar. 31st, 2007 04:01 pm
rai_ryu: (Default)
Well, that does it...
After the whole potspace thing last night, and finding out about "Gabe"...
I tried calling more today. My friend Laura called too, so no we know Kate's avoiding me.
I just sent her this myspace message:
Ok, I don't know what's going on but...
It seems like you're avoiding me.
And so I'm sending this message to say that I'm breaking up with you unless you have a good reason for not talking to me, as well as a good reason for what you've been doing with Gabe on that potspace site.
If you don't have a good reason then we're broken up.
Don't try to talk to me again, if that's the case.

I really wanted this to work out, and I wanted to make you happy, but I can't take this. You've done this before, and I can't let it happen again.
I never wanted to hurt you, and I was trying really hard this time. But you hurt me again, so it has to end this way.

I really loved you, you know.

Until/unless I hear from you, we aren't together anymore.

---------------

So I guess that's it...
In the end she didn't actually change after all.
Cassy and everyone else was right.
I hope she doesn't get too sad about this...
Anyway, I have to call Derrik back...

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