rai_ryu: (Alan<3)
Healing more and more every day. Still some reaching and lifting that I can't do. And I can't sleep on my side yet ):

Right now I feel like I could fall in love instantly. This is a dangerous state for me to be in, though I suspect there aren't going to be any risky times in my future due to lack of interest. A few months ago I had resigned that I would probably never fall in love again. But here I am, back to my old hopeless romantic ways. I feel like my younger self and that's a good thing. Even falling in unrequited love might be welcomed right now.

Atomic Lollipop is soon...about 2 weeks away now! I have my outfit all figured out. It sounds like it is going to be so exciting! I hope I am healed enough to have lots of fun by that point. I will hardly have any money, but at least the carnival is included in the price of tickets.

It's so hot in my room...and only in my room...*sigh* I would sleep in the basement, but I think I am still too paranoid.


Jun. 7th, 2010 11:07 pm
rai_ryu: (Enre)
Ah, I started writing again today after being on haiatus for around 2 weeks (Anime north fever had set in, you see). And god does it ever feel good to be at this again. By the end of that hiatus I was craving it so badly.
I just needed the words, you know? I needed desperatly to see more of their story unfold. Even if I should know it by heart at this point, it still flows out in ways that are so pleasing to me it is as though I have heard it for the first time. My heart rings in tune with these characters and I cannot wait to carry on.
And, adding to my excitement are the other stories I will have the opportunity to tell when finished with this one.
I want so badly to be a writer. I realized THAT is what I want to do with my life - goodness though, didn't I pick a difficult career? I waited so long for something to be passionate about. Well, I found it. Now I just need the courage to sieze it and embrace it for all its worth.

(A small pleasure today is when I picked a name off the top of my head, went to look it up online and found out it originated in the exact region I had imagined my story taking place)

All that gushing aside, here is some more gushing.
I finally went out and got The Demon's Covenant by Sarah Rees Brennan. I bought both it and The Demon's Lexicon (because I can imagine it being a book I will want to read over and over). However, I told myself I couldn't start it until I was done the dreaded M. Rene.....the horrifying "old man love story" that has plagued my shelves for years, waiting to be drudged through. Well, it is over! And I can enjoy the loveliness that is The Demon's Covenant. Every so often, I have to stop reading and swoon just over the fact that I am reading it. I swoon over its every word.
And when it is done I will probably have to wait a whole other YEAR until the next volume comes out! Woe is me! What will I do? *cries in anticipation*

I should PROBABLY go, since I told myself I would finish this scene tonight - who knows if that will actually happen, but I will certainly do all that I can.

Everyone, tell me your dreams, your favourite books...well, tell me anything! I want to have conversations with people.
rai_ryu: (Default)
she came to school today...
And I thought it would be like the other times
Like, when I couldn't even look at her...
Couldn't talk to her...
i find it funny how i don't hate her.
I get angry thinking about her sometimes...yet, I can't seem to hate her.
In fact, I was happy she came.
I find it a little sickening how I'm like that. She isn't a very good person, definatly not. Not even my type.
So why should I care about her at all?
Why does she have to be so cute?
And...why does she have to act so...she changes all the time...and so part of me still cares for the cute, nice part of her. Even though I know what she's really like.

And what's worse...a while ago, I was thinking of...when I got older...maybe I would give Her another chance.
How can I be so stupid?
I don't understand at all.

and you know, drayc, i was thinking of giving you another chance too. if i ever went back there.
but, no...
still i can't hate you
i can't hate any of them
and i just can't understand why not.

Get Over

Aug. 12th, 2006 02:37 pm
rai_ryu: (Default)
Don't get me wrong
I really love her.
But to think that other people have...to think about what she's done with other people in the past...
it makes me feel...disgusted.
not at her, no...but it feels as if this girl I love has been desecrated...contaminated, if you will.
maybe it wouldn't be like that if I didn't feel the way I do about sex.
again, the thought of even making out with someone, even someone I really love(especially them, actually), makes me feel horrible, almost physically sick.
I don't know how I'll manage to tell her.
I'll wait til later.
til we've been together longer
then maybe, maybe if she...
if she really loves me
then it won't matter
I keep searching for someone who's like that
who might understand it and accept me for it. Who won't care if we never have sex.
maybe we'll stay together and then we'll be older, out of our teenage years where everyone else's hormones are going mad and she'll be able to understand

or maybe she won't
and i'll be alone forever
just because i'm not "normal"

why can't...
why can't people just love eachother without sex?
why is everything about..."turn me on, baby" now?
that's not...not what love's about

anyone can turn someone on.
anyone can fuck anyone else and give them an orgasm.
anyone can have sex.
but not anyone can love you.
not anyone can love you with their entire heart.
not anyone will always be there for you no matter what.
not anyone will love you.


Aug. 7th, 2006 07:46 pm
rai_ryu: (Default)
Funny how
without even a word of goodbye
I become you
somehow I knew it was coming, and this change, well, I don't think I mind.

I was never destined to be without you
to be free of you
I will always be apart from you, no matter what
but never free.
you don't have to worry about that, Drayc.
but just because I'm not free
doesn't mean my heart isn't.
its not given to you, or Her.

me and Her were joined by the red thread of fate
but she cut it.
Now, I have found someone to tie my severed fraying thread to.
someone who welcomes it.
who will stitch it into their own.


Jul. 26th, 2006 09:32 am
rai_ryu: (Default)
that's how I feel.
I think.
because for some reason, I'm numb.
I go looking for something...I can't feel?
when people speak of Love, they say "when I'm with that person, nothing else in the world matters"
and that's what I long for. What I dream about.
and I've Loved. I swear I have.
I've Loved with my entire heart.
yet...I always feel...like I'm somewhere else...
I live inside my own mind...and it is only my body in this world
and all I can do is view it...from inside...
I long so much to be caught up in a feeling like that. But most of what I tend to do is, doing what is done in those situations. you know, doing what is commonly done.
but I long to really care.
not just to say it
but to feel it too.
it isn't that I don't Love Her.
but I feel separated...from everything in this world...
and sometimes I wish I could just have everyone dissappear...and only keep my world.
maybe I'd be happy?
or maybe I long for a life of despair
I don't know, anymore?

"Essentially, I am a heartless creature on an eternal search for Love."

i just want to hide from everything


Jul. 19th, 2006 11:02 am
rai_ryu: (Default)
People are always saying, that when you Love someone, you always put their happiness before your own. Abandon all selfishness and live purely for them.
But I'm wondering...
Is it that you truly lose all selfishness, that you feel no need for your own happiness, that you will TRULY be happy, just as long as they are...
or if...
you still have those selfish feelings. You still think, this is what I want, but you put it aside. You ignore the selfish feelings and tell them to do what makes them happy.
because I've always felt like the second option. And I've always felt bad because I'm not the first.
you see?
is it really supposed to be that we should feel that way? That we should honestly feel as if their happiness is the most important thing, and be happy from that? To NOT think about ourselves?
or is it True Love, to put aside your feelings, feelings that you still have, to put them aside for the sake of your Beloved?

Is it heavenly not to be tempted at all, or to resist the temptation?

Which one would take more work?


Jun. 12th, 2006 06:39 am
rai_ryu: (Default)
Drayc you are NOT allowed to come back. No matter how far away she is. No matter how I long for her and Love her as I did you, this is not your place. This is no concern of yours and you shall never regain the place in my heart that you once had.
I will not be coming back to Maten and you will not be coming back here. You will not come back just as you have never come back in the past. You are used to it. I am used to it.
I Love this woman now and I do not Love you. You do not Love me. You do not Love me as you did not when you left all those years ago. You will not get the feeling back and I will not get it back. Not for you.
Please, Drayc, don't come back now.


rai_ryu: (Default)

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