rai_ryu: (Default)
It's not like I really miss you, Drayc.
I can hardly remember the times we were together...
I could hardly remember them back then too. Is that why you gave up, then...?
Demona's been talking to me. I think she knows, my Youkai self wants to come back.
You're still not talking, Drayc. So if you really wanted me back, you're blowing it.
Maybe we should talk.
Because, I need to tell you...I need to tell you that I can't, not anymore, I can't leave here for you.
My Youkai self is being pulled back to Maten, but Drayc, no, I can't.

I need to stay here now. Even if I am, a nothing. I have no rank. I have no abilities. Nothing makes me stand out. And yet, I am. I am something to her. I have something. Someone. Even if I'm no one.
I never had you, Drayc. I had your voice. And then I had your memories. Your sorrow. Longing. Begging.
But you didn't listen.
So why is it that you always start coming back when I find someone...?
Are you jealous?
You have no right to be, Drayc. It's your fault. If you wanted to be with me, you never should have left back then. I know I couldn't keep my promise to you, but what makes you think I'd keep it now?
Why do you think you can just come back and I'll go running to you?
Why? Tell me.

I know, you won't. You still won't talk. You won't come back.
"I am here."
did you just say that?
You said it back then too, Drayc.
And you left right after.
It will always be like that with you.

Which is why, I'm with her.

Why...?

Jun. 18th, 2006 01:15 pm
rai_ryu: (Default)
I'm starting to want to go back...
I don't know why...
Because I've got so much to leave behind here. That I don't WANT to leave behind.
But something keeps dragging my mind to what I had there....
If only there was a way, I could be both places...

Shut Up...

Jun. 14th, 2006 04:38 pm
rai_ryu: (Default)
I know I may very well have brought myself into the exact same situation with this girl that I was in with you, but, that doesn't mean a thing.
It doesn't mean we can get back what we had.
Or that I want to.
I know, in the beginning...
But, all I remember is the end.
This girl is different from you...
Or...maybe she's not.
sh-she talked to me a lot, in the beginning...
Now, she's become distant...taken long to respond...
....
no, it can't be like you again.
Drayc, if I find out you're doing this...
Or maybe, its me. maybe all I'll ever have is a bunch of "Drayc"s. maybe that's what I'm destined for.
That can't be true...
I have to stop thinking like this. Maten is my past.
She is my future
she will not be like Drayc...

...

Jun. 12th, 2006 06:39 am
rai_ryu: (Default)
Drayc you are NOT allowed to come back. No matter how far away she is. No matter how I long for her and Love her as I did you, this is not your place. This is no concern of yours and you shall never regain the place in my heart that you once had.
I will not be coming back to Maten and you will not be coming back here. You will not come back just as you have never come back in the past. You are used to it. I am used to it.
I Love this woman now and I do not Love you. You do not Love me. You do not Love me as you did not when you left all those years ago. You will not get the feeling back and I will not get it back. Not for you.
Please, Drayc, don't come back now.
rai_ryu: (Default)
I think my sister wrote the last entry O_o
But wow, I AM gay.

I decided to come back because Maten has found its way back into my life again. And this is the only place where people actually know about it. But not really cause no one reads this.
Wow, its been a LONG time since I wrote here...it's fun to look back on old entries.

this "suicidal friend" I had will be my first issue addressed...well, condensedly:
he went out with my friend
he turned into a phsyco control freak
we told my dad who told the cops
they broke up
he probably wants to kill me
he might be dead and I hope that he is.

yeah, basically.

But, back to the reason I'm here. Maten.
Just when I thought I'd given it up, stopped thinking about it, stopped wanting to go back. When I thought I'd gotten over Drayc.
I was listening to a song, and...because of recent problems that I will not discuss, I decided just to let my heart open. Because I'd been thinking with my brain to much. I decided, why not just let it go?
and then.
It all came flooding back.
All those feelings and memories about that place. And now I wish I could go back. Part of me doesn't want to leave this world, but my Youkai side is back and I miss Maten.
Even Demona, a little. At least I was something there, y'know?
And Drayc.
Cassy convinced me I should forget him, and never let him come back.
and I did. When I left my mother's I swore to leave him behind. That's why I didn't take his picture with me. But he's back now.
He's trying to be, at least.
I keep saying that he can't. He can't just come back like this.
But my Youkai side is calling for him.
If I WERE to go back to Maten, I doubt I'd be able to resist him.
which is bad...because a)I have a wonderful girl here who I care about b) I swore I'd leave him behind!! c) I'm gay. which makes this confusing.

But yes, thank you LJ, so I can talk about Maten again.
Try to convince me to come back, Demona. If its you and not Drayc giving me these memories back.
And don't convince me and then refuse me entry. I know your WAYS Demona! *shakes fist*

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