rai_ryu: (Aquarium)
It really bothers me that the voice that often comes out when I speak is not what I would consider my true voice. It's hard to describe what a true voice is and how mine differs from the voice I use everyday. It's also sort of hard to figure whether one should use their true voice all day every day in the first place. A lot of things are strange.

I'm trying out a lot of new things as a kind of self care but I am not sure what will help or what will stick. Everything just seems sort of weird and uncertain, and I feel like a lot of doors are closed to me. There are a lot of things I want to do but at the moment a viable future is not seeming like something I'm going to achieve. I want change but I can't MAKE change from where I currently am, and it is frustrating.

I feel like I'm not moving florward, in more ways than one.

My health issues worry me because they're closing certain doors, and unfortunately a lot of those doors are to things that I actually want to do. But the process surrounding these problems is a long one and there's nothing that I can do but wait and see if anyone can find out what's wrong.

Mentally I am sort of in the same boat, but with slightly more control. It's not a question exactly of what is wrong, but rather, how to handle the multitude of things that I know are wrong. Some are things that I've been putting off for a long time and some are things that are new. Sometimes it's just a deep feeling of wrongness, and there aren't many specific things that I know of which can combat that. I'm trying to balance getting better with the things I need to do.

I don't really know where I am going with this entry, just that it's one of the many things I'm doing to try and feel better. Part of that might be acknowledging how I feel without, at the moment, getting my brain in a flurry thinking of ways to solve it. Everything is really hard right now, that's all.


Feb. 27th, 2007 10:20 pm
rai_ryu: (Default)
I told Cassy I was going out with Kate again
She's not mad ^__^

OK! I skipped math all last week....and today I actually went to class. It turns out 1. We have a test tomorrow 2. we have an assignment due tomorrow.
OK? Well actually, yeah. I got the sheet (one sheet, lol) that I missed, and he took the whole thing up for the test tomorrow. It was really easy, so I didn't actually miss anything. I also finished the assignment in class as he was taking it up.
Oh, I rock.

My dad wouldn't let me go on the comp or watch TV cause I wouldn't shovel my neighbour's sidewalk. They have a fricken' snow blower! Why do I have to shovel their sidewalk!?

I didn't get to talk to Kate at all today =(
Saturday's our 1 week aniversary. Yeah yeah, its stupid (as Laura pointed out to me). But a while ago(before we went out) I saw a card from someone in her room that said "happy 1 week aniversary". So I figure...if she celebrates 1 week aniversaries, maybe she'll be sad if I don't do anything x_x
So, I'll draw her a picture and make her a picture frame =3
And just say its a gift...cause I would always get her presents all the time. And if she has a present for me too then its for the aniversary, but if not its just a present ;3 its unbeatable plan!

I slept over last saturday.
Sunday, she got really sick...I think major extreme cramps or something...she was just lying there and twitching and crying. Of course I was hugging her...but it was so sad. I wanted to make her get better but I couldn't =( I'd never seen her so helpless before. I mean, she was even crying. Her mom said she had to take her to the hospital, and asked if I could get my dad to drive me home, and I said I could walk. And then Kate grabbed my wrist and was like "no, don't go..."
~_~ omg, it was like, heartbreaking moment!! ;_;
So I went to the hospital with her (And met her real mom, who looks rather scary)
While we were at the hospital she got better =)
Which is good, cause the doctor wouldn't see her until she peed in a cup, and she didn't have to pee so...

Then we went out for sushi, yummmmm<3

If you think about it, if I hadn't said yes when she asked me out she woulda gone through that alone...I can't imagine.

I bought inscense today at dollarama. SSH don't tell...I'm not sposed to have anything lit in my room since the whole "burnt my room down" thing.

Heeey....I should be getting to bed nooowww.


rai_ryu: (Default)

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