rai_ryu: (Aquarium)
No one ever truly knows you.
No one can see inside your soul and really understand who you are. At least that is how it feels.

And I know "people aren't mind readers" and all that, but at the same time no one wants to write out a list that says "Here is who I am, here is everything about me". Nobody COULD do that. It couldn't possibly contain everything and even then something about the feeling would not be right - because anybody can know something if they've got a manual about it. Sometimes spelling it out makes you more alone than if they never knew anything at all.

So the best you can do is leave a bread crumb trail. You drop out little bits and pieces. "This song is very important to me." or "This is my favourite book" or "here is something I would never do".
And you hope that anyone cares, that anyone is interested in putting together those clues and building the picture of what you are. That people see all of these things and understand what they are to you. Understand what you're made of on the inside.

but sometimes people don't
hell, even most of the time, maybe they don't.

i guess you can't blame them but it gets tiring after a while.
you put the clues out there clear as you can make them
But no one even bothers.
rai_ryu: (Aquarium)
You can't save anyone.

That's the biggest joke that's ever been played on us. The biggest lie we've ever been taught. That we can save someone else. But you can't. No matter what you do, THEY have to save THEMSELVES. Nothing will work otherwise. No matter how hard you try.

And the opposite is also true,
and maybe it's just a bit more cruel of a lie

We're told that people can save us. That another person can save our lives.

But you've got to save yourself. It doesn't work any other way.

----

Aug. 4th, 2014 02:48 am
rai_ryu: (Nick<3)
Either you accept that the monster doesn't exist, or you accept the monster for what it is.
But you can't live while hating yourself.

Sometimes I think that I'm a terrible person. Sometimes it really worries me.
I have always tried to remember two options

a) I am not terrible, based on the evidence of the times when I am good to people, and the amount of bad things I keep myself away from

or

b) I am a terrible person and that will not change no matter what I do, so there is no point in feeling bad about it.

Either one can rationalize away the feeling, it can keep the panic away for a little longer. I don't know if it is thoughts, feelings, or actions that makes someone a bad person. I don't know what the deciding factor is.

but I know that you can't get anywhere by treating yourself as the enemy.

You have to always be on your own side, no matter what.
rai_ryu: (rainbow)
Seriously, I was thinking about this the other night and it kept me up until like 3am.
Trying to figure out the sexual/romantic orientations of my characters. There are SO MANY. I feel incredibly lame for even doing this, but since it kept me up so late thinking about it, I might as well right it down...

Roleplay Characters )

Actually, I think I AM going to sleep now, because just from the roleplay there are so many characters (though I probably even left some out, it's been a while). Other universes will have to wait for other days.
rai_ryu: (envy)
I just had a breif inkling to write a romance novel from a male's point of view. Um, it would be cute.
But I doubt I'll ever do it :P

The food party was lovely, and I enjoyed all the food (forgot to take pictures!)
My bro and I won at Taboo :P which highly amuses me.
Naturally, my brother got the card that said "knife", and the clue was "Sorry I threatened you with a".

I'm still not sure if I'm any good at interacting with people, or if our interactions are satisfactory. :/

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rai_ryu

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