rai_ryu: (Jeice)

Will I sleep though?
Lately I don't want to sleep. I resist it as much as I can. Not because of dreams or anything. I just want to be awake.
But I have work and stuff so generally I have to go to bed at some point.
I'm in a very interesting mood lately.

rai_ryu: (Nick<3)

Sometimes the weight of the world pushes us down.

I am only one person and there's only so much I can do.
You can't save everyone. You can't fix everything.
Sometimes you have to take a step back and leave things up to the other person (And honestly, even if you can't see that, in the end it happens whether you consent to it or not. You will always be a step back.)

In the end, there is only so much you can do.

Even though it will almost always feel like I could be doing more.

rai_ryu: (Nick<3)
So I was thinking about the things I want. I really want this to work out, for one.
But I don't really know. I tend to do things for other people out of the assumption that they would do the same for me, or that if I were in their position, I'd want someone to help me out. But I keep forgetting that this is not always the case with others. Maybe sometimes, they wouldn't do the same for me.
and the thing is that I probably wouldn't be in such a situation in the first place either. I've put a lot of work into strengthening myself and my self control, so maybe sometimes I want to break down, but the chances that I actually will are not too high. I want someone I could rely on if that did happen, but I don't think I have someone like that.
I feel like nobody knows me, and that nobody takes the effort to know me either. Well, I think I use nobody in pretty abstract terms here, but the feeling is the same. People see that I am strong, and logical, I guess. But they don't understand the things in my head or what I feel. Even if I'm outwardly handling things, I don't see it as a success if I don't feel stable. I will, probably, always BE stable, but that doesn't change my thoughts.
For a long time I never thought that I was good enough, and I jumped through hoops to make up for this, I thought that if I just did enough, it would redeem me. I thought the failures of others were my fault. But now I know that I am, in fact, more than good enough. So I find myself wondering why others don't seem to think so. Why they don't think that I'm worth the effort. I might have stuck around before, in the hopes that they'd see something in me. But now, if someone can't step up to the plate, I wonder if it is really worth all of MY effort if I don't have those same courtesies extended to me.
I want love to work out. Because I do believe that this is love. But I don't like to feel alone, and I don't like to feel like a stranger to those who claim to love me. It worries me, and it is hard to keep those worries aside. It is hard to be happy about things when I am left wondering.
Still, I want things to work out.

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rai_ryu

July 2015

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