rai_ryu: (Nick<3)

I want to move out but so far my only lead is looking like a big maybe. Living with my dad is becoming insufferable. I've been out as trans to him for... well, two years this June. Nothing about his behavior has changed since then except for the occasions where he feels the need to remind me I'm fucked up for being trans.
He won't believe that I am and he never did. He claimed I just hated myself and wanted to find any solution to fix it that I could. I don't hate myself, I hate the vision of a woman you see when you look at me. He was mad at my friends for supporting me.
He thought I'd find myself a monster, a mutilated mess when it was all through but even though my scars haven't healed anywhere close to what's considered "well", when I look in that mirror all I see is pride and love and what I strived for and fought for and the point I finally reached and I wouldn't give that up for anything.
If he saw me murdered on the street he'd say it was my fault. When I go into the men's washroom he wishes out loud that there will be a "creepy guy in there". He'd say, "why did you make yourself so weird so that people would victimize you". He doesn't care if people treat me like shit - cause he does it himself. Every wrong pronoun, every time he utters that name is like a knife in my head and he wonders why I don't want to go to any events with him.
He thinks I hate myself but really I love myself too much to hide who I am, too much to let myself sink into that false prison everyone envisions me in. I am not what you want me to be but I still have the right to exist.

On Easter he went on a tirade about how he can't call something gay buy a gay person can use that word to describe themselves. I told him it was a matter of context and what you were using the word to mean - he told me he shouldn't have to look up a dictionary definition of the words he uses. As a straight, white, middle class man he's never been affected by this things in his entire life but he can pass judgment on the hurt he causes, claiming it's more important for him to be able to call something gay or use racial slurs without being made to feel guilty than it is for someone to walk down the street without being victimized.

He thinks gays are out there just to screw and be done with it. He thinks they're perverts, sub-human, not worth the right not to get fired from your job for having a partner of the same sex. He thinks "don't ask don't tell" is the ideal solution.

But there are people in this world who DO think I have the right to exist. The right to be happy and whole and love whoever I want. I've got friends who never once abandoned me - not one - through many different comings out. Bi, gay, ace, trans. They never once told me I was messed up and they never once looked down on me.
And I've got myself. I believe I deserve the right to be here. On my worst nights I would break down but I wouldn't condemn myself - I would plead of the universe the answer to why won't anyone accept me for who I am?

But it doesn't matter if you do. It's your loss. When I move out, you'll have another kid who doesn't talk to you but this time it will be your fault because you could have turned it around. I don't care. You don't like me anyway so why should I mourn the loss? Once I don't have to deal with you on a daily basis I'll be free to live my life with the people who actually care about me - those friends you were so mad at for not telling me to change who I was.
rai_ryu: (Nick<3)
Guess I can be called Rai, Crier In Public

I had the stupidest day at work. I mean. I only worked 3 and a half hours, and the first two of that were fine. But then.
I won't get into exactly what happened but I guess the worst part of it is after 6 months at my job, my coworkers still don't use the right pronounds for me. There are some who always get it right. There are some who rarely do. And there are some who never ever get them right.
And then there are some who call me the wrong ones to my face, but when they talk to my boss they use the right ones because they know they'll get corrected by her if they don't.

So yeah.
I can't fucking deal with this. Life was supposed to be easier.

And I was sure I wouldn't cry til I got home, but I ended up doing all my crying on the bus, and I haven't cried since I got here.


And you know it's kind of strange because maybe if people see someone crying in public they want to ask what's wrong or if that person's ok, but the whole time I was just paranoid someone WOULD come up and try to talk to me. It would be a nice gesture in general but so not something I'm up for. Thankfully, no one did.
rai_ryu: (envy)
Ok, first of all, tell me Sav and Holly J is NOT happening! Yeah, Declan was kind of an ass, but you can't switch up the pairing RIGHT when I started liking it! Also..Sav is...really dumb now. But Drew and Alli is much squee, so maybe they balance out? I dunno...

In other news, I am getting my name changed and my dad is kinda pissed off. Or well, upset because he picked out my birth name and I'm changing it. "to something weird". I told him I couldn't have a girl's name, but...didn't really elaborate further. And I have a feeling it would NOT help. He's still going to call me the same thing, so why is he upset that I just want other people to call me by my REAL NAME for the remainder of my life. Of course, I know why he is upset. But its my own life and I can't be going around recognized as a girl forever. I need to be who and what I am.

There are a lot of flies in my room, and I don't know why. Its making me very angry.

I painted a picture that maybe I shouldn't have.

Looked into private practices that do chest surgery. Don't think I could go the OHIP way because I'm pretty sure I don't fit into their little box of what constitutes being transgendered. Sorry that I'm not trying to kill myself all the time, or chop my boobs off. Sorry if my sternum is broken and I can't healthily bind for a freakin' year so that you'll be convinced I am not a girl. Guess I'm not trans. Gee, thanks for clearing that up, Gender Clinic.

Sorry, a bit of a rant there.

Roy Mustang cosplay is coming along a lot faster and better than expected. I have a friend who is going as Riza! God, I want to be Roy SO BAD. You have no idea.

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rai_ryu

July 2015

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