rai_ryu: (Nick<3)
Guess I can be called Rai, Crier In Public

I had the stupidest day at work. I mean. I only worked 3 and a half hours, and the first two of that were fine. But then.
I won't get into exactly what happened but I guess the worst part of it is after 6 months at my job, my coworkers still don't use the right pronounds for me. There are some who always get it right. There are some who rarely do. And there are some who never ever get them right.
And then there are some who call me the wrong ones to my face, but when they talk to my boss they use the right ones because they know they'll get corrected by her if they don't.

So yeah.
I can't fucking deal with this. Life was supposed to be easier.

And I was sure I wouldn't cry til I got home, but I ended up doing all my crying on the bus, and I haven't cried since I got here.

And you know it's kind of strange because maybe if people see someone crying in public they want to ask what's wrong or if that person's ok, but the whole time I was just paranoid someone WOULD come up and try to talk to me. It would be a nice gesture in general but so not something I'm up for. Thankfully, no one did.
rai_ryu: (Aquarium)
Rave music is the saddest music there is and it is perfectly appropriate for me to sob to it.

Basically I am just being lame and I should be in bed right now.
I'm mostly over my bout of sobbing for no reason.

I can't decide if I was genuinely productive today or not. I woke up at noon, which is always a greeeat way to start a productive day. I worked on my commission for an hour, but it looks like nothing got done at all. So I can't say that was productive. I vaccuumed the whole basement, so it's mostly free of disgusting dead bugs, and the cobwebs are away from the window we're getting replaced. Carpet is clean enough to start cosplay on. But since it was cleaning, it doesn't seem productive cause there's less there when you're done :P
I made myself dinner, rice with broccoli, zucchini, and teriyaki sauce. I guess that's a productive thing.

Speaking of which, I work on friday, which might be why I feel unproductive. When I have work, I always just feel like I can't do anything cause work is soon. It's ridiculous but I feel like this week is useless because I have to work friday. I'm at Teriyaki for this shift...uhg. I've only worked two stations, but Teriyaki is the one I least wanted to work in the first place.
Maybe before I go in, I'll get myself feeling really manly (Somehow?) so that I can actually correct my coworkers when they misgender me. Last time I tried I almost had a heart attack out of fear.
I really want to find a different job.

Something I need to stop doing is perscribing genders to certain emotions. I catch myself thinking, "I can't feel this way, this is how a GIRL feels!" or thinking, "I need to feel this in a manly way!". They're all just emotions. I guess that's society doing it's job on me, but I really need to fix the way I think about things, cause it's not doing me any good
rai_ryu: (Nick<3)

Hrm...I am feeling sorta down right now and I don't know why.
Maybe too much socialization?
I just think there's a lot going on in my head currently, but no outlet :/ I should write, maybe, but I've got no idea what.
I've got a sketch commission to do, as well as some editing for someone. So social that it is scary D:

My older sister was over this weekend and I really can't stand her. She's extremely rude, full of herself, misogynistic...She doesn't respect my gender at ALL (despite claiming to know more about trans issues than me because she has "many trans friends"). And she is mean to her dog. Uhg, dealing with her just throws me off I guess.

I haven't really been sleeping well. I mean, I've been going to bed before 3am lately at least, but I've been sorta paranoid to sleep, and then having weird nightmares/visions when I do. Doesn't help that it's been super hot in my room.

I've got a lot do do before this weekend, and it seems like I've got no time to do it in. I've gotta go shopping tomorrow for hair dye and a headband. But I also have to be home tomorrow so that my Baguette can pick up her camera that she left here. Uhg, I miss her. Feels like I haven't seen her in ages.

Whenever I actually start doing stuff, I get so overwhelmed that I forget everything that is happening/supposed to happen. Writing things on my calendar sorta works, but not for all things. I only hope that I can get this commission stuff done in a timely fashion (although I'm gonna be away friday, saturday and sunday).

Anyway yeah. Being sad about fictional characters and stuff. All day every day.

rai_ryu: (envy)
My job is going kinda well, I guess. I'm doing alright while I'm there (I have a strong suspicion that this will change once they stop training me and actually expect me to do things on my own). Mostly I just feel really disgusted that I have to go into work at all. Also, the hours are killer. Only 217 more left to go.
I work tomorrow, which is gross. Also its a closing shift which is more gross. I hate closing. Pretty much because it involves a lot of cleaning late at night. Not a fun combination. I keep compling a list of what I hate, and it seems to be everything but salad spinners and making hamburgers.

In good news, today was a wonderful writing day. I needed to write Enre's first fight scene with her sword, which I was kind of putting off. I'm no good at writing action, and I also wanted to show Enre's mentality throughout the whole thing. For some reason I have a harder time getting into character for Enre...So I kinda had to do some roleplaying to get me in the mood. I did the same thing to walk myself through Melanie's death scene, to find out how Enre would react. Anyway, I ended up swinging my sword around my room, carrying out Enre's actions and trying to get into her head. Well, it worked, and I carried out a successful 2 pages of writing for the scene (which I haven't finished, but only because I'm unsure how much I want to be in Enre's POV vs Jeice's. I think Jeice is getting too much attention.) and will probably finish it tomorrow. I'm really going to be banking on my writing to get me through this work term.
Its part of a new strategy I've got called "actually doing stuff".'

Also I've got yet another story to add to the pile. Honestly, it started with me just thinking of a character I really wanted to use. Then I had to come up with a story to put her in. Well, I kinda took the plot of one of my Sims' failed novels. It involves something like a world where words are very limited. Obviously, needs a lot of work. It also features a young redhead with a Chelsea grin. His name is Erin. Yes, the female spelling. Also some space travel because you know I just can't help it.

In other news, the Fullmetal Alchemist manga ended. Of course I cried - though mostly I was crying because it was over. I wanted to see what happened to them >: FOREVER. I love those characters, man. I had some near-breakdowns at work just thinking of the fact that its over. Yes, I know that's kind of pathetic. But hey, I'm pathetic.
I so totally cannot wait to cosplay Roy next year.

I've had a strange jabbing headache all day. I even took a nap but it has returned. This is very bothersome.
And my wrist/fingers hurt from too much writing (and cutting things up, lol), so even though I wanted to finish the scene tonight, it was rather too painful to continue.

So many goddamn characters in my head right now, they just won't shut up!


rai_ryu: (Default)

July 2015

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