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STOP - Boring time!
Oct. 17th, 2007 07:42 amYou know you're becoming an asexual geek when you squeal happily at finding David Jay's blog.
Well my brother is staying at home today, which automatically means that I am as well. Which is a good thing, because I think I need some time to calm down and gather my thoughts.
After a long night of somewhat unwarrented whining, sobbing and basic emofest, I do feel a bit better but I still need to think about why I was doing all of that in the first place.
Its times like these that I feel extremely greatful for various asexual areas of the internet. AVEN, a lovely blog called The One Percent Club, as well as the newly found blog of David Jay, which I mentioned before.
I can spend pretty much my whole day reading about asexuality.
Yeah yeah, you're probly thinking "Booooring"
But it really isn't.
I was just listening to one of David Jay's entries about crushes (because he speaks his blogs instead of writes them) and I was surprised about how I could relate to it.
I mean, being pretty much the only asexual I know, even though logically I'm aware that there's others out there, it sometimes gets to the point where I think I'm probly the only one who feels that way.
He was talking about crushes, as I mentioned before, and said that he had to TRY to have crushes on people. He took feelings that weren't really there and somewhat manufactured a crush, he saw it as a project. But at the same time he was doing that, he felt like he was sacrificing his relationship with the person because he was turning it into something that it really was not. Now I don't have to do that with crushes, thank god, but I knew what he was talking about.
The very fact that I can control my emotions to a perhaps odd degree is both ideal and frightening. Every emotion can be controlled by the ammount of effort I put into focusing on it and feeling it. This comes in handy but is also really quite a bother. For example, I went bungee jumping. I was obviously pretty fightened or at the very least, nervous about jumping off of a bridge, as I'm sure quite a few people would also be. Because I didn't want to chicken out, or anything like that, I told myself "You idiot, calm down. You're not afraid." and I wasn't. I stopped focusing on the fact that yeah, I should probly not like jumping off a bridge. But the problem with that was that when I surpressed this emotion of fear, when I stopped concentrating on feeling, that I could not feel anything. I went bungee jumping, which, even though perhaps it might not have been scary, should have at least been exciting. But it wasn't. It was more like "Oh, it happened." The end.
And the whole thing could somehow be related to sex, I'm sure. Sorry if I'm rambling about it but hey, I've been reading blogs exploring this kind of thing for a god chunk of last night, and all morning until I've begun writing this.
The thing is, that if I employed that technique, perhaps, maybe, I would in fact be able to have sex with someone. I could probably very well manufacture the emotions needed for that kind of thing - kind of like acting, only not fun and no one should ever try to make a living off it. Sure, maybe I could do that, but I would never in a million years want to. And anyone that I'm with, if they truly loved me, should not want me to either.
The thing is that once you begin to venture into the realm of fake emotions, you stop being yourself. I could act the way a sexual person does, if I focused enough on it, but it wouldn't be me. And if sex is in any way related to how someone expresses love for another person, then how could someone even possibly feel that they're becoming closer to me from that? How could it make you closer if I'm becoming someone other than myself for this form of "expression"? On another topic, how could anyone justify it as expressing love if they know full well it makes the other person uncomfortable?
A more toned down version of this for me is French-kissing. To me this is completely useless, and, while not as gross as sex, still pretty gross.
A toungue, people. Really. Just, what?
Its not like French-kissing has traumatized me in any way at all, but the thing is that it leaves me feeling no emotion of any kind, and that is something that I hate. I hate the fact that it could somehow be considered close even though to me, it is nothing - I don't think that anything could be considered close unless it makes both the people happy, or means something to them, unless its something they both have a desire to do.
I feel bad for not being able to share in this mindset that toungues somehow make you close to someone, but I really cannot wrap my head around it for even a second.
When I'm with the person I love, I want to feel everything, I want to feel everything in my own natural emotions. Something that makes me feel a complete zero to me can in no way be considered close.
I'm sure there's more I could ramble about but maybe you're bored already.
I think I'd like to study sexuality more closely (a very odd thing for an asexual to say, perhaps, but I'm working towards understanding). I try to understand people because I want people to understand me.
I can really think of nothing in conclusion but you're free to share your opinions on this etc etc whatever.
I've got a headache, so maybe I'll lurk around AVEN or listen to another DJ blog.
On a side note, just to bore you even more, David Jay is somewhat of a hero to me. Which makes me laugh quite a lot, actually. Somehow he's become kinda the spokesperson for asexuality...and I wonder if that bothers him somehow. I mean, when he started AVEN, I'm sure he knew he'd become some kind of leader...but I wonder if it bothers him to be in the asexual spotlight (not that its a very bright spotlight, as you rarely ever hear about asexuality anyway).
Well my brother is staying at home today, which automatically means that I am as well. Which is a good thing, because I think I need some time to calm down and gather my thoughts.
After a long night of somewhat unwarrented whining, sobbing and basic emofest, I do feel a bit better but I still need to think about why I was doing all of that in the first place.
Its times like these that I feel extremely greatful for various asexual areas of the internet. AVEN, a lovely blog called The One Percent Club, as well as the newly found blog of David Jay, which I mentioned before.
I can spend pretty much my whole day reading about asexuality.
Yeah yeah, you're probly thinking "Booooring"
But it really isn't.
I was just listening to one of David Jay's entries about crushes (because he speaks his blogs instead of writes them) and I was surprised about how I could relate to it.
I mean, being pretty much the only asexual I know, even though logically I'm aware that there's others out there, it sometimes gets to the point where I think I'm probly the only one who feels that way.
He was talking about crushes, as I mentioned before, and said that he had to TRY to have crushes on people. He took feelings that weren't really there and somewhat manufactured a crush, he saw it as a project. But at the same time he was doing that, he felt like he was sacrificing his relationship with the person because he was turning it into something that it really was not. Now I don't have to do that with crushes, thank god, but I knew what he was talking about.
The very fact that I can control my emotions to a perhaps odd degree is both ideal and frightening. Every emotion can be controlled by the ammount of effort I put into focusing on it and feeling it. This comes in handy but is also really quite a bother. For example, I went bungee jumping. I was obviously pretty fightened or at the very least, nervous about jumping off of a bridge, as I'm sure quite a few people would also be. Because I didn't want to chicken out, or anything like that, I told myself "You idiot, calm down. You're not afraid." and I wasn't. I stopped focusing on the fact that yeah, I should probly not like jumping off a bridge. But the problem with that was that when I surpressed this emotion of fear, when I stopped concentrating on feeling, that I could not feel anything. I went bungee jumping, which, even though perhaps it might not have been scary, should have at least been exciting. But it wasn't. It was more like "Oh, it happened." The end.
And the whole thing could somehow be related to sex, I'm sure. Sorry if I'm rambling about it but hey, I've been reading blogs exploring this kind of thing for a god chunk of last night, and all morning until I've begun writing this.
The thing is, that if I employed that technique, perhaps, maybe, I would in fact be able to have sex with someone. I could probably very well manufacture the emotions needed for that kind of thing - kind of like acting, only not fun and no one should ever try to make a living off it. Sure, maybe I could do that, but I would never in a million years want to. And anyone that I'm with, if they truly loved me, should not want me to either.
The thing is that once you begin to venture into the realm of fake emotions, you stop being yourself. I could act the way a sexual person does, if I focused enough on it, but it wouldn't be me. And if sex is in any way related to how someone expresses love for another person, then how could someone even possibly feel that they're becoming closer to me from that? How could it make you closer if I'm becoming someone other than myself for this form of "expression"? On another topic, how could anyone justify it as expressing love if they know full well it makes the other person uncomfortable?
A more toned down version of this for me is French-kissing. To me this is completely useless, and, while not as gross as sex, still pretty gross.
A toungue, people. Really. Just, what?
Its not like French-kissing has traumatized me in any way at all, but the thing is that it leaves me feeling no emotion of any kind, and that is something that I hate. I hate the fact that it could somehow be considered close even though to me, it is nothing - I don't think that anything could be considered close unless it makes both the people happy, or means something to them, unless its something they both have a desire to do.
I feel bad for not being able to share in this mindset that toungues somehow make you close to someone, but I really cannot wrap my head around it for even a second.
When I'm with the person I love, I want to feel everything, I want to feel everything in my own natural emotions. Something that makes me feel a complete zero to me can in no way be considered close.
I'm sure there's more I could ramble about but maybe you're bored already.
I think I'd like to study sexuality more closely (a very odd thing for an asexual to say, perhaps, but I'm working towards understanding). I try to understand people because I want people to understand me.
I can really think of nothing in conclusion but you're free to share your opinions on this etc etc whatever.
I've got a headache, so maybe I'll lurk around AVEN or listen to another DJ blog.
On a side note, just to bore you even more, David Jay is somewhat of a hero to me. Which makes me laugh quite a lot, actually. Somehow he's become kinda the spokesperson for asexuality...and I wonder if that bothers him somehow. I mean, when he started AVEN, I'm sure he knew he'd become some kind of leader...but I wonder if it bothers him to be in the asexual spotlight (not that its a very bright spotlight, as you rarely ever hear about asexuality anyway).
