rai_ryu

Ah, I started writing again today after being on haiatus for around 2 weeks (Anime north fever had set in, you see). And god does it ever feel good to be at this again. By the end of that hiatus I was craving it so badly.
I just needed the words, you know? I needed desperatly to see more of their story unfold. Even if I should know it by heart at this point, it still flows out in ways that are so pleasing to me it is as though I have heard it for the first time. My heart rings in tune with these characters and I cannot wait to carry on.
And, adding to my excitement are the other stories I will have the opportunity to tell when finished with this one.
I want so badly to be a writer. I realized THAT is what I want to do with my life - goodness though, didn't I pick a difficult career? I waited so long for something to be passionate about. Well, I found it. Now I just need the courage to sieze it and embrace it for all its worth.

(A small pleasure today is when I picked a name off the top of my head, went to look it up online and found out it originated in the exact region I had imagined my story taking place)

All that gushing aside, here is some more gushing.
I finally went out and got The Demon's Covenant by Sarah Rees Brennan. I bought both it and The Demon's Lexicon (because I can imagine it being a book I will want to read over and over). However, I told myself I couldn't start it until I was done the dreaded M. Rene.....the horrifying "old man love story" that has plagued my shelves for years, waiting to be drudged through. Well, it is over! And I can enjoy the loveliness that is The Demon's Covenant. Every so often, I have to stop reading and swoon just over the fact that I am reading it. I swoon over its every word.
And when it is done I will probably have to wait a whole other YEAR until the next volume comes out! Woe is me! What will I do? *cries in anticipation*

I should PROBABLY go, since I told myself I would finish this scene tonight - who knows if that will actually happen, but I will certainly do all that I can.

Everyone, tell me your dreams, your favourite books...well, tell me anything! I want to have conversations with people.

Don't get me wrong
I really love her.
But to think that other people have...to think about what she's done with other people in the past...
it makes me feel...disgusted.
not at her, no...but it feels as if this girl I love has been desecrated...contaminated, if you will.
maybe it wouldn't be like that if I didn't feel the way I do about sex.
again, the thought of even making out with someone, even someone I really love(especially them, actually), makes me feel horrible, almost physically sick.
I don't know how I'll manage to tell her.
I'll wait til later.
til we've been together longer
then maybe, maybe if she...
if she really loves me
then it won't matter
I keep searching for someone who's like that
who might understand it and accept me for it. Who won't care if we never have sex.
maybe we'll stay together and then we'll be older, out of our teenage years where everyone else's hormones are going mad and she'll be able to understand

or maybe she won't
and i'll be alone forever
just because i'm not "normal"

why can't...
why can't people just love eachother without sex?
why is everything about..."turn me on, baby" now?
that's not...not what love's about

anyone can turn someone on.
anyone can fuck anyone else and give them an orgasm.
anyone can have sex.
but not anyone can love you.
not anyone can love you with their entire heart.
not anyone will always be there for you no matter what.
not anyone will love you.

that's how I feel.
I think.
because for some reason, I'm numb.
I go looking for something...I can't feel?
when people speak of Love, they say "when I'm with that person, nothing else in the world matters"
and that's what I long for. What I dream about.
and I've Loved. I swear I have.
I've Loved with my entire heart.
yet...I always feel...like I'm somewhere else...
I live inside my own mind...and it is only my body in this world
and all I can do is view it...from inside...
I long so much to be caught up in a feeling like that. But most of what I tend to do is, doing what is done in those situations. you know, doing what is commonly done.
but I long to really care.
not just to say it
but to feel it too.
it isn't that I don't Love Her.
but I feel separated...from everything in this world...
and sometimes I wish I could just have everyone dissappear...and only keep my world.
maybe I'd be happy?
or maybe I long for a life of despair
I don't know, anymore?
...

"Essentially, I am a heartless creature on an eternal search for Love."



i just want to hide from everything

Drayc you are NOT allowed to come back. No matter how far away she is. No matter how I long for her and Love her as I did you, this is not your place. This is no concern of yours and you shall never regain the place in my heart that you once had.
I will not be coming back to Maten and you will not be coming back here. You will not come back just as you have never come back in the past. You are used to it. I am used to it.
I Love this woman now and I do not Love you. You do not Love me. You do not Love me as you did not when you left all those years ago. You will not get the feeling back and I will not get it back. Not for you.
Please, Drayc, don't come back now.