rai_ryu: (Default)
I don't know why I'm so afraid.
Maybe because she hasn't told me she Loves me recently...
Maybe because she hasn't been online much...
Maybe because when things like this happen, when someone waits for somebody who's got a girlfriend already, that person ends up falling in Love with their girlfriend and leaving the "other" behind. And the other, having waited for so long for this person's Love, then has nothing left...they're lost...
She'll fall for Nicole.

I don't want to be lost.
I don't want to lose her.
I need to get to her...
if only she'd let me walk...
I need to see her.


Jul. 2nd, 2006 10:30 am
rai_ryu: (Default)
I have a feeling like I'm useless.
When it comes to my roleplay, I can make my character the perfect prince charming. They know how to comfort the one they Love when they're sad or scared.
But I can't. I can't seem to use those talents myself. When something like that happens its like I say something stupidly obvious..."it was scary" "it sounds like it would be"
what am I, a shrink? no
Yet I can't seem to reach the same effect as I can in writing. Were all writers so bad in their personal lives? I can craft the perfect speech, but when it comes time to say it, I get nervous. I'm always afraid that someone will take what I say the wrong way.
and sometimes I just can't think of anything to say.
Sometimes there isn't anything to say.

But I wish I could be better to her.
I wish I could be like I make my characters be.
I wish I could actually live like what I write about.
rai_ryu: (Default)
Not even about Drayc this time.

She was going to break up with her girlfriend. She said she was in Love with someone else. I was assuming that was me.
She didn't break up with her.
She "truly wants to be with her".
When I heard that, I had visions of committing sepuku.
Ha, but not to die. Just invisioning the pain that I felt.
I'm so confused by her.
It's like, up and down.
One day "I Love you, I'm breaking up with Nicole"
then next "I'm staying with Nicole" and "I Love Nicole" in her MSN name.

I'm afraid to tell her how this is hurting me.
I never want to make people feel bad.
I'll deal with it, I guess.
rai_ryu: (Default)
It's not like I really miss you, Drayc.
I can hardly remember the times we were together...
I could hardly remember them back then too. Is that why you gave up, then...?
Demona's been talking to me. I think she knows, my Youkai self wants to come back.
You're still not talking, Drayc. So if you really wanted me back, you're blowing it.
Maybe we should talk.
Because, I need to tell you...I need to tell you that I can't, not anymore, I can't leave here for you.
My Youkai self is being pulled back to Maten, but Drayc, no, I can't.

I need to stay here now. Even if I am, a nothing. I have no rank. I have no abilities. Nothing makes me stand out. And yet, I am. I am something to her. I have something. Someone. Even if I'm no one.
I never had you, Drayc. I had your voice. And then I had your memories. Your sorrow. Longing. Begging.
But you didn't listen.
So why is it that you always start coming back when I find someone...?
Are you jealous?
You have no right to be, Drayc. It's your fault. If you wanted to be with me, you never should have left back then. I know I couldn't keep my promise to you, but what makes you think I'd keep it now?
Why do you think you can just come back and I'll go running to you?
Why? Tell me.

I know, you won't. You still won't talk. You won't come back.
"I am here."
did you just say that?
You said it back then too, Drayc.
And you left right after.
It will always be like that with you.

Which is why, I'm with her.


Jun. 15th, 2006 06:22 am
rai_ryu: (Default)
See Drayc? You were wrong!
She still talks to me!!
(have I lost my already lost mind?)(ne? ne? ne?)

Shut Up...

Jun. 14th, 2006 04:38 pm
rai_ryu: (Default)
I know I may very well have brought myself into the exact same situation with this girl that I was in with you, but, that doesn't mean a thing.
It doesn't mean we can get back what we had.
Or that I want to.
I know, in the beginning...
But, all I remember is the end.
This girl is different from you...
Or...maybe she's not.
sh-she talked to me a lot, in the beginning...
Now, she's become distant...taken long to respond...
no, it can't be like you again.
Drayc, if I find out you're doing this...
Or maybe, its me. maybe all I'll ever have is a bunch of "Drayc"s. maybe that's what I'm destined for.
That can't be true...
I have to stop thinking like this. Maten is my past.
She is my future
she will not be like Drayc...


Jun. 12th, 2006 06:39 am
rai_ryu: (Default)
Drayc you are NOT allowed to come back. No matter how far away she is. No matter how I long for her and Love her as I did you, this is not your place. This is no concern of yours and you shall never regain the place in my heart that you once had.
I will not be coming back to Maten and you will not be coming back here. You will not come back just as you have never come back in the past. You are used to it. I am used to it.
I Love this woman now and I do not Love you. You do not Love me. You do not Love me as you did not when you left all those years ago. You will not get the feeling back and I will not get it back. Not for you.
Please, Drayc, don't come back now.


rai_ryu: (Default)

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