![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
My consultation for top surgery is on the 4th of May. I am nervous. But I cannot wait. More and more this body is becoming unbearable.
I know how people look at me. They do not see who I am at all. Every she, miss, young woman feels like a punch to the stomach.
I recently spent a day as a test subject for an optometry exam. Since the optometrist's records weren't updated, I ended up with a nametag bearing my birth name. Time after time, the student would walk in and introduce themselves, I would say hello but I would not introduce myself. I couldn't. I can't even force that word out of my mouth. Read the fucking nametag if you want to know what to write on your page. I won't tell you that's my name.
One even called me sir, before he saw the nametag. Fuck. I want to punch something.
I feel like I can't go anywhere or do anything in this body. Soon, I keep saying, soon. A lot of the time it makes me feel better. But sometimes it is just like WHEN. So close and yet so far.
This year, it HAS to be this year.
I know how people look at me. They do not see who I am at all. Every she, miss, young woman feels like a punch to the stomach.
I recently spent a day as a test subject for an optometry exam. Since the optometrist's records weren't updated, I ended up with a nametag bearing my birth name. Time after time, the student would walk in and introduce themselves, I would say hello but I would not introduce myself. I couldn't. I can't even force that word out of my mouth. Read the fucking nametag if you want to know what to write on your page. I won't tell you that's my name.
One even called me sir, before he saw the nametag. Fuck. I want to punch something.
I feel like I can't go anywhere or do anything in this body. Soon, I keep saying, soon. A lot of the time it makes me feel better. But sometimes it is just like WHEN. So close and yet so far.
This year, it HAS to be this year.
