rai_ryu: (Aquarium)
Rave music is the saddest music there is and it is perfectly appropriate for me to sob to it.

Basically I am just being lame and I should be in bed right now.
I'm mostly over my bout of sobbing for no reason.

I can't decide if I was genuinely productive today or not. I woke up at noon, which is always a greeeat way to start a productive day. I worked on my commission for an hour, but it looks like nothing got done at all. So I can't say that was productive. I vaccuumed the whole basement, so it's mostly free of disgusting dead bugs, and the cobwebs are away from the window we're getting replaced. Carpet is clean enough to start cosplay on. But since it was cleaning, it doesn't seem productive cause there's less there when you're done :P
I made myself dinner, rice with broccoli, zucchini, and teriyaki sauce. I guess that's a productive thing.

Speaking of which, I work on friday, which might be why I feel unproductive. When I have work, I always just feel like I can't do anything cause work is soon. It's ridiculous but I feel like this week is useless because I have to work friday. I'm at Teriyaki for this shift...uhg. I've only worked two stations, but Teriyaki is the one I least wanted to work in the first place.
Maybe before I go in, I'll get myself feeling really manly (Somehow?) so that I can actually correct my coworkers when they misgender me. Last time I tried I almost had a heart attack out of fear.
I really want to find a different job.

Something I need to stop doing is perscribing genders to certain emotions. I catch myself thinking, "I can't feel this way, this is how a GIRL feels!" or thinking, "I need to feel this in a manly way!". They're all just emotions. I guess that's society doing it's job on me, but I really need to fix the way I think about things, cause it's not doing me any good


Feb. 5th, 2012 01:24 am
rai_ryu: (Nick<3)
No one reads this but whatever.
I am gender neutral but who is ever going to even know?
People I know have told me that they'd accept me if I was transitioning to male, but since I am gender neutral, I obviously don't know what I am talking about, I don't count, and I'm just "making things up".
So I present as male. I go around pretending I am male because that way it is easier for people to accept me. I'm getting my fucking legal gender changed to male.
But guess what? It still doesn't feel right.
But I'm never going to be able to be who I truly am. The government isn't going to let me put an "N" as a gender marker. If I want a job? Chances are I can't go on a giant explanation to an employer about what gender neutral is, and oh, please call me "they" or "ze" thanks. No.
And people still don't even get it. People still call me female pronouns. People who have never MET me as a female, who KNOW I am trans but they do it anyway, then they're like "Oh oops, I'm soooo sorry!" "But you're too pretty to be a boy" "Oh, don't worry, I call my daughter he sometimes too, ha ha ha".
Nobody even gives a fuck if they haven't experienced gender dysphoria themselves. They think I should be able to just brush it off as an "oops". Well it isn't that simple.

And other things. People who constantly want to touch me. Who act offended, like I am in the wrong, when I don't want to touch them, or when I pull away. People who KNOW what I've been through. But it doesn't matter to them. It only matters that I inconvenience them by not wanting to be touched. Because NORMAL people like that, right? So it's just my fault.

I just want to crawl into a cave or a hole or even just under my bed and never come out. I don't want to see or talk to anyone. Nobody understands and they just want to hurt me. I want nobody to touch me and everybody to just leave me alone.
rai_ryu: (Enre)
Things are rough with my family. None of them are even trying to call me my proper name. My real, legal name. And none of them think they should have to, either.
All I'm asking is to be called my name (that I have been going by for years and they know it). I'm not saying you have to accept me as trans. Just say my right fucking name.
Apparently though, this shouldn't be so hard for me to deal with, cause it's not like there is such thing as gender dysphoria or anything and I am just "enjoying feeling victimized". Obviously being called the proper name means a LOT to me and they can see that. On there end, it is just a matter of they don't want to have to remember to call me Rai, so it is such a hassle.
I can't say "it is just a name, how difficult is it for you to call me that?" because then they will say "If it is just a name why does it even matter what we call you"

I wish they would put aside their entitlement for one second and realize that yes, it is a big deal. And that it's just not something one can "get over".
rai_ryu: (Nick<3)
I keep switching back and forth between being excited and extreme amounts of irritation and stress.

I finally got fed up with my crappy sewing machine, so I traded it in for credit toward my new one - new to me, but an older model (much older). When I tried it out in the store it worked just fine. When I get it home, tension problems. Uhg uhg. I know nothing about adjusting thread tension. They never taught us in school because they didn't want us screwing up the machines. I've tried the top tension, the bobbin tension. I can't get anything to work. Tomorrow I'll try some more, then I don't know...ask the guy at the shop.
It isn't easy to bring it in and have it looked at, because it is part of a table, not a portable. Still trying to get used to that (and it would be easier if I could get it to work.)

My dad has been making some homophobic comments lately. I don't understand how he could, since he knows about me. Or at least thinks he does.
I'm going to be getting my top surgery hopefully sometime soon (I'm hoping on this year, if all goes well). I will probably have to come out to him either before or after it happens. But what do I say? "Dad, I want you to call me your son, but actually I'm not not a boy, but rather genderless". HA. Yeah. He's going to say something like "What book did you read that in!" or "No, you are my daughter!" and I'm not going to be happy.
The thought of getting my surgery makes me unbelievably happy. There's no way I'm NOT going to get it - I don't care what he thinks, but having to deal with him afterward is going to be really hard. I wonder if anybody will understand.
God I am thankful for my friends. They know me and they accept me.
I'm not in a very good mood right now, I guess, but hopefully that will go away if I can ignore his asshole comments.

Oh, and at the university in my town there is an anti-female campaign going on. Negative posters and emails being sent around telling women they shouldn't have the rights that they do. Events have been cancelled because of safety issues. My dad doesn't think it is a big deal. Maybe because he has never had to be discriminated against in his whole life.
And I hate being seen as a woman, and "expected" to take offence because "I am a woman". I am NOT a woman, but I was born into this body and had to deal with the same discrimination it comes with. I am not a woman, but I still won't accept women being threatened and discriminated against, especially in such a place as a university.

Uhg...I'm going to not ramble anymore.
rai_ryu: (envy)
Ok, first of all, tell me Sav and Holly J is NOT happening! Yeah, Declan was kind of an ass, but you can't switch up the pairing RIGHT when I started liking it! Also..Sav is...really dumb now. But Drew and Alli is much squee, so maybe they balance out? I dunno...

In other news, I am getting my name changed and my dad is kinda pissed off. Or well, upset because he picked out my birth name and I'm changing it. "to something weird". I told him I couldn't have a girl's name, but...didn't really elaborate further. And I have a feeling it would NOT help. He's still going to call me the same thing, so why is he upset that I just want other people to call me by my REAL NAME for the remainder of my life. Of course, I know why he is upset. But its my own life and I can't be going around recognized as a girl forever. I need to be who and what I am.

There are a lot of flies in my room, and I don't know why. Its making me very angry.

I painted a picture that maybe I shouldn't have.

Looked into private practices that do chest surgery. Don't think I could go the OHIP way because I'm pretty sure I don't fit into their little box of what constitutes being transgendered. Sorry that I'm not trying to kill myself all the time, or chop my boobs off. Sorry if my sternum is broken and I can't healthily bind for a freakin' year so that you'll be convinced I am not a girl. Guess I'm not trans. Gee, thanks for clearing that up, Gender Clinic.

Sorry, a bit of a rant there.

Roy Mustang cosplay is coming along a lot faster and better than expected. I have a friend who is going as Riza! God, I want to be Roy SO BAD. You have no idea.


rai_ryu: (Default)

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