Neverending
Feb. 5th, 2012 01:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rai_ryuNo one reads this but whatever.
I am gender neutral but who is ever going to even know?
People I know have told me that they'd accept me if I was transitioning to male, but since I am gender neutral, I obviously don't know what I am talking about, I don't count, and I'm just "making things up".
So I present as male. I go around pretending I am male because that way it is easier for people to accept me. I'm getting my fucking legal gender changed to male.
But guess what? It still doesn't feel right.
But I'm never going to be able to be who I truly am. The government isn't going to let me put an "N" as a gender marker. If I want a job? Chances are I can't go on a giant explanation to an employer about what gender neutral is, and oh, please call me "they" or "ze" thanks. No.
And people still don't even get it. People still call me female pronouns. People who have never MET me as a female, who KNOW I am trans but they do it anyway, then they're like "Oh oops, I'm soooo sorry!" "But you're too pretty to be a boy" "Oh, don't worry, I call my daughter he sometimes too, ha ha ha".
Fuck.
Nobody even gives a fuck if they haven't experienced gender dysphoria themselves. They think I should be able to just brush it off as an "oops". Well it isn't that simple.
And other things. People who constantly want to touch me. Who act offended, like I am in the wrong, when I don't want to touch them, or when I pull away. People who KNOW what I've been through. But it doesn't matter to them. It only matters that I inconvenience them by not wanting to be touched. Because NORMAL people like that, right? So it's just my fault.
I just want to crawl into a cave or a hole or even just under my bed and never come out. I don't want to see or talk to anyone. Nobody understands and they just want to hurt me. I want nobody to touch me and everybody to just leave me alone.
I am gender neutral but who is ever going to even know?
People I know have told me that they'd accept me if I was transitioning to male, but since I am gender neutral, I obviously don't know what I am talking about, I don't count, and I'm just "making things up".
So I present as male. I go around pretending I am male because that way it is easier for people to accept me. I'm getting my fucking legal gender changed to male.
But guess what? It still doesn't feel right.
But I'm never going to be able to be who I truly am. The government isn't going to let me put an "N" as a gender marker. If I want a job? Chances are I can't go on a giant explanation to an employer about what gender neutral is, and oh, please call me "they" or "ze" thanks. No.
And people still don't even get it. People still call me female pronouns. People who have never MET me as a female, who KNOW I am trans but they do it anyway, then they're like "Oh oops, I'm soooo sorry!" "But you're too pretty to be a boy" "Oh, don't worry, I call my daughter he sometimes too, ha ha ha".
Fuck.
Nobody even gives a fuck if they haven't experienced gender dysphoria themselves. They think I should be able to just brush it off as an "oops". Well it isn't that simple.
And other things. People who constantly want to touch me. Who act offended, like I am in the wrong, when I don't want to touch them, or when I pull away. People who KNOW what I've been through. But it doesn't matter to them. It only matters that I inconvenience them by not wanting to be touched. Because NORMAL people like that, right? So it's just my fault.
I just want to crawl into a cave or a hole or even just under my bed and never come out. I don't want to see or talk to anyone. Nobody understands and they just want to hurt me. I want nobody to touch me and everybody to just leave me alone.
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no subject
Date: 2012-02-05 05:59 pm (UTC)Wish I had something better or more encouraging to say :/
no subject
Date: 2012-02-05 07:28 pm (UTC)I need a freeware command line iso maker
Date: 2012-02-13 04:43 am (UTC)