rai_ryu

Uhg, right now I'm overheating D:
*opens window*
I'm gonna try to go to Cassy's gay group tomorrow :/ it IS tomorrow, right!? Dur...but I need someone to show me what room its in D: and Cassy hasn't returned my email yet
On to the actual point of this journal though

Ew, the place I'm living at now has a 'cleaning lady', who comes once a week and does whatever. That is REALLY annoying...some weird person coming into our house and looking through our stuff? Plus, on those days, my dog has to go stay at my grandad's. But my dad WON'T say no to the cleaning lady. I don't know what the hell his problem is. He says, 'knowing someone's gonna come look will make us want to keep the house tidy'. Uh, no. Practically all of my friends know that I do not clean up before they come over XD. I think that its just like a lie...you make them think you're something that you aren't. Also, my dad, being nancy as usual, makes me clean up before she comes...ok, but isn't that her job? She's coming to vaccum, and he makes me vaccum my room. Wtf?
I can't wait to move out, I can't stand his lifestyle of lies. I need to find a job so I'll have enough money though >_< arg

Oh, today in art class, Lena was asking me to describe my kind of girl. Lol, its always hard to do that, cause I'm pretty adaptable...I mean, there were differences between all my girlfriends but there were also simillarities. Oh, she asked for a picture of my girlfriend...I told her I didn't have one, but I could show her pictures of my exes XD. She was like "why would you still have pictures of them?" ^^'
I showed her Cassy, and told her that she broke up with me for Collin, and she was like "Can I kill her?"
Lena's actually really cool =) She's an activist type person, really into human rights, among other things.
Makes me wish I had a girlfriend so I could give her a picture, lol. But then, everything makes me wish I had a girlfriend

On Oprah today (yes, I'm a loser, shut up), there was this guy who was severely depressed and he freaked out, and stabbed his two five-year-old daughters. He was in jail, obviously, but she went to go talk to him. His wife was on the show, and she forgives him, and she visits him in jail and everything. I think that was an amazing thing for her to do...I admire her for it. So many people would say 'he killed your kids, how could you still love him?' but she says that it wasn't him who did it, it was because he was sick. And she said, that it happened, and she can't change that, but she has the choice to love him, or to hate him, and she chose love. Wow, just, wow =)
Oprah was talking to the guy, at jail. And he was trying to explain how he was feeling at the time...she kept asking him 'why didn't you tell anyone you were thinking of killing your family?'
He said 'because those thoughts weren't real, so why would I tell them? They'd take my kids away'. She really misunderstood him, and started yelling at him that the only reason he didn't tell anyone is because he didn't want them to think he was crazy. God woman, the guy has to live with the guilt of flipping out and murdering his daughters, don't make him feel any worse about it. She's never been through depression, she said that herself...the guy kept talking about what a dark place it was, and she didn't understand at all.
So she shouldn't be yelling at him, just because she doesn't understand. I've been through that, and, when you're in that place you don't think clearly, and you don't think you can tell ANYONE at all about it, which is one of the things that makes it worse. You might be ABLE to tell someone about it, but you don't recognize that...you feel that you CAN'T.
She was far too hard on him. I know 'he killed his kids he deserves to die'. But, no, just no. You can't just say these things if you don't understand. At least TRY to understand.
People not understanding is one of the reasons depressed people feel alone. At least, with me, I didn't think anyone would understand it.
I told Cassy about it a while after we started going out, I felt a little better about it...but, I still don't think other people would understand. I keep thinking others are too 'normal'.
No, I'm not depressed anymore, but when I think about that time, I can recognize what is was now.

It also made me think about Carmine, and his depression. I felt so sad I almost threw up...
Carmine's in so much pain, all the time =(
thinking he's a slave, blaming his parents' death on himself, among other things. And...he really wants help, but, he's not comfortable with just anyone helping him. He wants Taki's help, but he's afraid to ask for it. It reminds me, a while ago, when me and Cassy had stopped talking for a while, then started again...she made all of her RP characters go missing for three years. (that completely destroys most of my characters). And when Taki came back, Carmine was really clingy, and he stayed with her almost all the time. Cassy got mad about that, but...come on, the guy has some of the worst depression, and Taki is really the only thing that made him become happy again. And I told Cassy that his depression was back, and she said that Taki would get him a therapist. Wtf? It took him years to even admit to her that he liked her, and hell, it takes him a VERY long time to trust anyone, and even longer to get close to them. How could she think, even for a second, that he'd talk to a therapist? All he wanted was Taki's help!
I'm glad we restarted the RP, cause at that point, everyone was falling apart. I can't even think about it now without crying, it was horrible.

But my point is, you really can't judge others just because you can't understand their point of view, or what they were going through. Its easy for you to sit there, with your normally working brain, and pick out all the things the person logically could have done, but feelings like that don't have logic, and you feel all alone, like nothing can help you.
I don't know if Cassy still remembers my 'secret', but at least, letting her know, and not being the only one who knows about it, makes me feel kinda better at least.
It takes a lot of trust when you're in that dark place, to tell someone what's wrong, and ask them for help.

It makes me think about Carmine more. He's so scared. It hurts him so much. Cassy better not make Taki leave him...