blank

that's how I feel.
I think.
because for some reason, I'm numb.
I go looking for something...I can't feel?
when people speak of Love, they say "when I'm with that person, nothing else in the world matters"
and that's what I long for. What I dream about.
and I've Loved. I swear I have.
I've Loved with my entire heart.
yet...I always feel...like I'm somewhere else...
I live inside my own mind...and it is only my body in this world
and all I can do is view it...from inside...
I long so much to be caught up in a feeling like that. But most of what I tend to do is, doing what is done in those situations. you know, doing what is commonly done.
but I long to really care.
not just to say it
but to feel it too.
it isn't that I don't Love Her.
but I feel separated...from everything in this world...
and sometimes I wish I could just have everyone dissappear...and only keep my world.
maybe I'd be happy?
or maybe I long for a life of despair
I don't know, anymore?
...

"Essentially, I am a heartless creature on an eternal search for Love."



i just want to hide from everything

ah..

is this the part where it ends
like it did last time?
and was there even a last time?
was what i experianced even anything at all
is that what She said?
obviously i can't blame Her can i? she knows nothing about it
no one but Cassy knows about You, Drayc.
i don't even know if she remembers. maybe that's for the better.
is She going to be like You?
at least she'd...give a warning before the end
i'm running away
i'm running away and now i'm You, Drayc.
because i just didn't give a warning
i just disappeared from her
and
and...
somehow now i only want to disappear to Maten
and i just want to go back to Loving someone who is never here and never will be and is not even a person in this world, someone who "doesn't exist" because there's hurt even when the person not here is somewhere, and so...i don't know?!
i feel like i just want to live in my head, at least now
and i don't ever want to come out
i never could deal with Love
and i'd wish...that what She feels is stronger than my confusion and fear right now
but i remind myself that i'm the only one that lives in my world
and i...i just...

?

maybe because I've been trying to fit into "their" world as part of "their" world
and not of my own
maybe I should stop worrying about "what normal people would do in this situation"
maybe I should stop being different
and start being myself?